mamikaze

Back by popular mental health demand, I will be using this blog as my brain dump. so much going on in my head and home that I have to spill it out. Mike is going to be in Japan for awhile. I know I’m not supposed to announce that stuff on the interwebs but I must. I haven’t played single parent for a year. His flight to Tokyo is almost to the day when he returned home from San Diego last year.

I am not dealing with it well. Just as the Effexor XR 150 mg has begun to improve my mood, this stress is making my anxiety bloom in an ugly way. He has noticed my hundred yard stare. I have been spending more time doing nothing on the sofa. I have been raising my voice more often. I have hardly helped him pack. His clothes aren’t washed or fold or packed and I take him to the airport in 48 hours. I have been eating Xanax like candy. Candy that makes me drowsy.

Last week confirmed my choice to not make New Year’s Resolutions and make simple goals instead.

I have been battling sinus pain since we had a stretch of windless days and high air pollution before Christmas. I had a follow-up with my pulmonologist and she put me on a high-powered antibiotic to clean me out. I have to take it easy while I’m on it because one of the side effects is ligament tears. I’m going to postpone my EA Active 6-week Challenge for 2 weeks and do yoga videos.

I have not posted regularly. Too many appointments and kid stuff getting in the way. Shrug. I had a sinus CT yesterday. I hav to drop the films at Dr. S’s office tomorrow. It’s not like me to let a perfectly good stack of images of my head sit on the seat of my van.

Tomorrow I see my psych. The upped dose of Effexor is slowly improving my mood. My anxiety attacks are less frequent more more intense. I expect them to subside over the month. We did a deep clean of the house over the break and did a minor redecorate in most of the rooms. Change of view is good for me at this time of year.

Any advice for other ways brighten this dark time of year?

I vacillate every year about my feeling on resolutions. One year it’s “I resolve to never make another resolution,” the next I make a long list. This year, I’m going to make one because I need feel my life is in order.

I am such a downer lately. I’m still digesting the news that my days are numbered. I never called the new psych. I’m back on Effexor XR 150, hoping it will dampen the panic attacks that have ramped up. I don’t want to make New Year’s Resolutions. I am going call them goals to make myself think that they’re not such a big deal.

1. Lose 20 pounds
2. Improve my housekeeping routine
3. Write a bucket list
4. Take my family to Disneyland
5. Keep up on this blog 3-5 times per week
6. Have my secret blog project go public by summer

What are your goals?

P.S. Check out Mindbloom, it’s a goal tracking website. I think of it as the flylady of personal goals.

The news I got last week is still sinking in. I haven’t had any sort of epiphany. I’m still in shock and a lot of denial.

I’m questioning everything more than usual. “What do I want to do with my life?” is on my mind. Then it brings on a panic attack.

Life is grand.

I am going to call this morning and beg for a psych appointment. These panic attacks have taken on a whole new facet. It’s typical for anxiety to mount up with a “I’m going to die” type thought.

In panic attacks past, I was able to practice deep breathing, yoga-style, to calm myself. Slowly, I could convince my crazy brain that “you’re a reasonable healthy thirtysomething, you’ll be fine” as a mantra.

That doesn’t work now.

I feel like I’m looking through life on a 10-year lens. Then it goes black. I hug my kids, I cry on Mike’s shoulder. I used to wonder what it feels like to be told you have terminal cancer. I can tell you it sucks more than words can describe. I really hope I’m being melodramatic.

So I had that GI appointment this morning. It did not go well. Based on my liver panels over the past 10 months, I have one of two liver diseases; primary sclerosing cholangitis or primary biliary cirrhosis. Both are as bad as they sound. Neither have cures or treatments.

The good news: no reason to a liver biopsy at this point because I am still asymptomatic, no expensive prescriptions to buy and it can be slow progressing. Also, I can take all the anti-depressants I need and I can have a glass of red wine at dinner again.

I’m going to cry now before my kids get home.

My trip to the psychiatrist went out without a hitch. All that worry for nothing. All that tension and the resulting headache to meet a knowledgeable man who didn’t feel it was necessary to dredge up my past.

He looked over my liver test results and isn’t convinced that the Effexor is the cause. He did write me a prescription for Cymbalta just in case. I’m going to wait until after Christmas to make the switch. I don’t need to be getting off kilter when I’m home alone with my kids. I still have to visit the GI doc tomorrow morning. I’ll get the final verdict there. Dun dun dun!

Brain drawing courtesy of Wikimedia Commons